


The Blessed One Bites the Bullet

by Flywoman



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1998-05-26
Updated: 1998-05-26
Packaged: 2017-10-18 04:22:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/184931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Flywoman/pseuds/Flywoman
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Scully will risk anything for the answers - even seeing the Lone Gunmen in their pajamas.  Written in response to an OBSSE fic challenge by Autumn Tysko.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Blessed One Bites the Bullet

Agent Dana Scully stared at the screen, her lips parting in a little "oh"  
of astonishment. Surely not... She read the words again, aloud, in an  
effort to prove to herself that sleep deprivation hadn't caused her  
tired eyes to play a cruel joke on her. Frowning, she slipped  
her glasses off and rubbed at her eyes, weighing the evidence, and  
rapidly reaching a conclusion that she didn't like one bit. Then she  
jumped up, switched off her laptop and shoved it into its case, grabbed  
her keys, and ran for the door, white terrycloth bathrobe flapping.  
Normally she would never disturb anyone at this hour, but there was *no  
time*, and the Lone Gunmen were the only ones who could help her.

No lights were visible under the door when she arrived, hair straggling  
and blue flannel pajama legs damp from a sudden downpour. She rapped  
sharply enough to sting her knuckles and then waited, shifting her  
carrying case from one sore shoulder to the other. After a few seconds of  
silence, muffled sounds of stumbling and curses greeted her before the entry  
light flared up. At last the heavy reinforced door swung open to reveal  
Frohike squinting blearily at her in surprise. "Dana?"

Scully squinted back, momentarily speechless. Frohike wore a  
sweat-stained undershirt and a pair of ratty greying boxers, but over  
that was draped a rose-colored chenille robe that smelled of lilac. His  
face was covered with a cracked layer of green avocado mud, and a black  
lace-trimmed sleeping mask had been pushed up over his forehead. He was  
also wearing a pair of furry black bunny slippers with pink noses.

Noticing her stare, Frohike pulled the edges of his robe together with an  
unassailable dignity. Scully snapped out of it and adjusted her own robe,  
hoping that she had not given him any reason to leer at her in turn.  
"Frohike," she began, trying to sound professional, "I know it's really  
late, but I may have discovered something and I need you guys to look into  
it for me."

"Where's your partner?" Frohike asked coyly.

Scully gave him The Look and he hurriedly cleared his throat. "Oh, I  
understand. Private matter. Say no more." He ushered her in with one  
floral scented arm and triple-bolted the door after her. She followed him  
apprehensively into the bedroom he shared with Byers and Langley. Frohike  
flipped on the light to a duet of sleepy protests. "All right you guys,  
heads up, we have a 9-1-1 from a lady in distress," Frohike barked,  
mercilessly yanking the covers off his colleagues' heads.

Langley sat up, his long blond hair in aqua blue rollers. He fumbled for  
his glasses and swung his legs over the edge of the top bunk. Pink footie  
pajamas, Scully noted with a shudder. With a zipper down the front and  
everything.

Byers only reluctantly uncoiled himself from the lower bunk, blushing  
furiously. Had she ever wasted two seconds of thought on the matter  
of the Lone Gunmen's sleeping apparel, Scully would have predicted Byers  
to dress the most conservatively at night as during the day, but  
unfortunately her expectations were not realized. He was wearing only a  
pair of turquoise silk boxers with the words "Property of the Vancouver  
Naked Co-ed Hockey Team" printed on them. His thick red chest hair  
disappeared under the waistband in a solid mat. "Pardon me," he muttered  
as he reached for a t-shirt.

Scully cringed and shielded her eyes, already heading for the door. She  
made her way to the main computer room, found a chair, cleared it of the  
latest issue of TMB, and set up her laptop. A few short minutes later,  
the boys joined her. She swung the screen around to face them, tapping  
her fingers nervously on the desktop. "I've been doing a routine  
background check on someone you may have heard of: Mulder's former  
partner, Diana Fowley?" Frohike looked at the ground. Langley looked at  
the ceiling. Byers blushed again and looked across the room. "I see that  
you have. Anyway, I noticed something peculiar about her service record:  
she left the Bureau in October of 1987 and was reinstated two years later.  
But the odd thing is that the records of the circumstances of her leave  
and reinstatement have been sealed."

"Have you tried asking Mulder about it?" Frohike inquired.

"No. I'm pretty sure he'd only tell me that it was none of my business  
and irrelevant to our current case."

"And isn't it? Why are you coming to us?"

Scully blew her breath out in a little sigh of frustration. "Because I  
care deeply about my partner and I want to make sure that he's not in any  
danger from facts not revealed to me about the circumstances of this  
assignment or about my new colleague's profile and history with him."

"And?"

"And because I find her prancy and wrong-haired and I don't want to  
find out later that I'm not the only one he ever trusted," she snapped.

"Hey," Frohike said soothingly, spreading his hands in complicity, "we  
understand. For you, anything. Don't worry, this should only take a  
minute." He and the other two men began scurrying about the room,  
powering up the CSM-2000, tossing headphones and clipboards at each other.  
Dana watched them gabble at each other in technospeak for a few minutes  
and finally dozed off with her head down on the desk. When she came to,  
Frohike was standing over her with a computer printout.

"Here it is," he said triumphantly. "Diana Fowley, Special Agent  
with the VCS from September 1985 through October 1987. Seems she was  
suspended from duty following a joint panel investigation into certain  
unauthorized extra-governmental employment opportunities."

"Drugs?" Scully asked. "Weapons? Embezzling Bureau funds?"

Frohike consulted his sheet. "Apparently she played a starring role in a  
soft core porn film with some nobody called David Doo-chuhvnee."

Scully scowled and slammed her laptop shut. "Skinner gets caught with a  
dead prostitute, Mulder runs up our expense account on calls to  
1-900-HOT-BABE, and this poor woman gets suspended for trying to bolster  
her measly Bureau paycheck?!" she snarled. "'Scuse me, boys, thanks for  
your help, but I'd better go: I feel a really long rant coming on and I'm  
about to lapse into sailor language and this isn't an MC post!" She  
stormed out.

As Frohike stared admiringly after her, mouth hanging open slightly,  
Langley looked quizzically at Byers. "Do you think we should have told  
her about the ring?" he asked.

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. This fanfic was written in response to one of Sister Autumn's weekly homework assignments: Explain why Fox press releases describe Scully confronting the Lone Gunmen in their sleepwear in the season finale.
> 
> 2\. The OBSSE Brethren are able to distinguish Gillian Anderson from her body double, whom they find "prancy and wrong-haired" - see the May 1998 newsletter for examples. This term is also frequently bandied about as a mild insult, especially self-deprecatingly .
> 
> 3\. Mimi Rogers (Diana Fowley) and David Duchovny (Fox Mulder) appeared together in an erotic film called "The Rapture."
> 
> 4\. OBSSE mailing list discussions form a strange subculture of their own. They frequently feature lengthy rants on all sorts of topics by our more articulate members (wave, Danielle!). Posts containing explicit language are supposed to be labeled "MC" in the subject heading to indicate Mature Content.
> 
> 5\. I tried to slip in as many references to recent topics of discussion as possible. "There's no time!" comes from the movie trailer, and the ring on DD's finger ("Travellers" and "Unusual Suspects") has yet to be explained. Does Fox Mulder have a female former partner? A secret ex-wife a la "Jane Eyre" ? Rumors abound! Speculation runs rampant! "The End" airs one week from the time of this writing and "Fight the Future" will appear in US theatres one month later, so we should know soon enough!


End file.
